Wow. I cannot even say how good it feels to be back at my lap top writing. I’m not sure if it’s writing that is making me feel so good, or, being able to finally balance an infant to the point where I have a few moments to do something for myself that is beyond taking care of my basic hygiene.
I am in the trenches, ya’ll. Before I begin to explain what motherhood has been like, for me, for the past 9 weeks, please remember : this is just my experience. Every experience of first time motherhood is beautifully and drastically different.
The first thing I will say is “they” are absolutely right about how much love you can feel for a little human that is essentially a stranger when they arrive. Some cosmic connection happens. It’s a feeling of a whole VERY new, uncomfortable world and yet, at the same time, a comfort you feel like you’ve known your whole life. The baby, for me, went from being this alien growing inside me to a living breathing baby boy with my eyes, my husbands toes and every single inch of our hearts. (Gag, was that corny? Having a baby makes you corny .. or in my case, MORE corny.)
The second thing I will say is I did not expect to mourn my old life the way I had to. I obviously knew life would be flipped upside down for us ( I waited until I was 30 to have children for a reason) but when it actually happens it’s really .. nuts. I’m talking everything down to just going to bed is different. The exhaustion was palpable in those first few weeks and when I wanted to crawl into bed and just rest, I couldn’t. I first had to take care of this little life that was so dependent on me, and get him down to bed. Bathroom trips? Bringing laundry to the basement? Washing some dishes? All of those things cannot be done without making sure this little life is in a safe space first. Often times screaming, but safe none the less. I can’t count the amount of times I sat and cried while my baby cried. I also can’t count on two, three, four hands how many times I’ve looked down at this little life and felt my heart explode.
In the beginning, nothing about life feels normal. NOTHING. Motherhood is a whole mind warp. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows, all while you’re covered in spit up and rocking enough dry shampoo to cover and entire state.
Now that I’ve got my footing a little bit and baby is sleeping stretches of 6 hours (THANK YOU LORD) I’m finding life is starting to feel normal again. A new normal that I would never trade for anything. We definitely have our moments and I am still not too shy to have a good cry when its all overwhelming, but the things I felt uncomfortable with are now second nature and our routine is smooth for the most part.
Its been a beautiful learning curve that is going to continue over the next 20 something years.
SO, now that you know a tiny glimpse of what life has been like for me for the past 9, 10 weeks you can see why my page may be lacking a bit but slowly, I’ll get back to it. I have to make my follow up appointment with my oncologist for this pesky tumor. I won’t lie I am putting it off a bit but also am so excited to see my tumor progress. I’ve been living in this blissful baby bubble that I’m not ready to deal with anything else right now. I have to admit, though, I think my next visit is going to be VERY exciting. I’ll keep you posted.
ALSO, if you’re a new momma and ever need to vent or chat, I am here. I wouldn’t have made it through those first couple of weeks without some of my best friends (who were also new moms too!) so I’d love to pay that forward.
Until next time!