First time pregnancy, with a tumor, during a pandemic – sounds a bit like a horror movie, doesn’t it?
For me, it actually isn’t a nightmare but a dream. Hear me out.
I totally understand there are women who are pregnant during this crazy time and would have much preferred a more normal situation. I fully respect everyone’s opinions, as much as it may vary from mine. Of course I wish I could run to the store and start shopping for our baby boy. I wish I could go test out and push the display strollers I am in between, have girls days with my mom where we check out the quality and color of cribs, meet up with my friends for walks and show them my growing bump in person, but, that’s just not how it panned out.
I decided when all this craziness began I had two ways of looking at this: poor me or lucky me. I chose the latter of the two.
I am constantly exhausted and feeling really uncomfortable in my skin at the moment. I am gaining weight and my ever growing midsection forbids me from a pair of normal jeans (or any pants that button, really) at the moment. Not to mention, I don’t even have the energy to blow dry my hair most days. How lucky am I that I can work, in sweat pants, from the comfort of my own home? As much as I miss meeting up with family and friends for dinner or date nights with my husband, I know most nights I would be dreading those things as my couch called my name.
I also was able to speak to my Oncologist via conference call who officially cleared me to not have any further MRI’s until the baby is born! That right there, is a major positive. I don’t have to go through all the scanxiety, be uncomfortable in the tube then, a week later, anxiously drive up to Boston to go over my results. That will make a little over 1 year with no MRI’s and no trips to Dana Farber. I can truly just focus on this pregnancy without any hanging gray clouds. MUSIC TO MY EARS!
Sure, there were hard pills to swallow ..
No, my husband wasn’t able to attend our anatomy scan ultrasound and for a moment I was crushed by that but we still got to find out the gender of our baby together, alone in the car. A moment I will never forget for the rest of my life. Yes, there is a chance I won’t have baby shower but to be honest I’ve ALWAYS found baby showers painfully boring and I hate opening gifts in front of a room full of people. Don’t get me wrong, I will be SOO grateful and excited to celebrate the baby with my closest family and friends if it’s allowed but by no means will I be shedding a tear if my baby shower can’t happen. To me, that’s not even a huge deal! No, this may not have been exactly how I pictured it happening but it’s still all happening! The best parts of this pregnancy, the worst parts of this pregnancy, its all still going on, regardless of the world we are living in.
I can’t help but think to myself every single day how lucky I am to be able to experience this and also still know my closest circle of friends and family are all safe, healthy and still very accessible to me.
I’ve been sending bump updates (bumpdates) to my friends on Snapchat, I’ve been browsing the endless options of cribs online allowing myself to narrow down what I do love when I am able to get to a store, but mostly I am slowing down. I am feeling every tiny kick, every foreign to me movement, monitoring every growth milestone and enjoying it a little bit differently than I would if I were commuting to and from work, or rushing around to stores to get what I needed and get out.
In a world full of big, scary things that can change life at any moment – being asked to stay home and slow down is not one of the things I feel unlucky about. It is one of the things, I feel, I’ll look back on and be grateful for in my first pregnancy.