For a while there, I had really mastered the art of talking to myself in a positive way. I was able to calm any negative thoughts, calm any anger I was feeling or ill feelings and I was even able to constantly look on the bright side of this tumor.
Lately, it’s been a little harder. I don’t know what it is but some days the thought of this tumor being on my body forever takes my breath away. One of my friends recently and harmlessly asked with curiosity “is this something you could possibly have to just .. deal with .. forever?” and I’m going to be honest I broke down in tears. She felt horrible but I completely understand that everyone is just trying to learn about this and I get it because, so am I!
The thought of having this on me for the rest of my life really makes me feel sad/angry and uncomfortable. I truly don’t want to get surgery because it is something I can *live* with. It isn’t effecting me on a daily basis right now and other than being uncomfortable and occasional pain I’m OK. The unknown of surgery freaks me out. What if it comes back 3x’s the size it is now? What if the recovery process is really brutal? What if there are complications from the surgery? But, the thought of living with it forever just makes me mad, which is an emotion I thought I was so good at talking myself out of. I don’t speak about it often because I don’t want to actually say these things out loud to give them life but I’m thinking those close to me can tell when I’m having bad days.
SO, I do need to get this off my chest and then I won’t complain again for a while: I am SO tired of having this on my body. I am so sick of not being able to lay down on my stomach I am sick of having these stupid MRI and Boston appts every 3 months and having to take work off for it. I am SO SICK of staring at it in the mirror!!!! I am so sick of thinking “is this growing or shrinking?”. I am so sick of bumping it or feeling that hard as a rock thing under my skin. AHHHHH!!!! I’m over it!!!
So this mostly just tells me I need to get back into the groove. I am off kilter somewhere and I need to get back to feeling like I have control over this aggravating situation and I have the power to shrink it with the proper tools. I need to remain positive and remember how good I have it in comparison to others and that this is just one speed bump.
I am only human and there are going to be days and weeks like this. I need to allow myself to feel them. To cry, to get angry to feel unhappy with my situation and MOVE ON. I need to heed my own advice and feel it and let it go. I just so desperately hope this feeling moves on soon because I am tired. I know how lucky I am, I know that this could have been so much worse but for just today I am going to allow myself to say “this is a shitty situation and that’s OK.”
I would love some help on this. What’re some things you do when you feel like you need to get back to your center? Your good mental space? Please let me know.