I’m Glad It’s Me

I think about this often. What if this whole situation didn’t happen to me and instead of being the patient, my loved one was the patient and I was caring for them.

Not that I need much “caring” for. Maybe emotionally more than anything but lets be honest, I needed that before my diagnosis too (ha!).

My husband had a scary moment a couple of months ago. He had worked out too hard and passed out at the top of our second floor stairs. He found himself at the bottom with a busted lip and some bumps and bruises but when he told me about it I was devastated. I felt so bad that someone I loved felt pain or was even for a second scared. I HATED IT. I rushed home from work to make sure he was OK and not concussed and for a second the “this could have been so much worse” overtook my thoughts and I just couldn’t rid my stomach of that sinking feeling.

And, for a brief second, I was able to put myself in his shoes and how he has felt dealing with my ailment for all these months. Watching someone you love be scared, hurt or unwell is probably the worst thing to experience. You feel helpless and sad and just want so badly to make it better, make things go back to when you didn’t have to worry. I am so lucky that this situation was minimal but I couldn’t help feel for those who deal with serious ailments in their loved ones lives.

I do feel guilty at times. I know my loved ones feel the same way that I felt in that moment and watching me go through this wasn’t easy on them, either. When I have pain or bad days sometimes I’m not as quick to voice them because I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me or worry about me. I also know that my tumor can affect my mood when I feel those negative things and it gets taken out on those I love the most. That guilt is probably the worst. When I have a rough day and an acid tongue.

Overall, though, I am so happy this has happened to me and not someone else that I love. I can control my mind and my thoughts. I can be strong, brave and beast through tough moments for myself but when it comes to someone I love I have a harder time doing it.

Has anyone ever felt this way too?


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